Republican National Convention Events You May Not Have Heard Of.
Purity Ball II: The Re-Virgining
This event was such a success in 2008 that organizers have brought it back. Delegates who have brought their teenage daughters to the convention can come with them to the Ball, where in a special ceremony they will be “revirginized” by crushing a birth control pill under their heels while saying “I am not a slut!” In 2008 the teens asked for a pre-ball, teens-only gathering for discussion and primping, which their fathers gladly granted, and the custom will continue this year (the girls assured us that rumors of young men arriving at the pre-ball gathering were completely false, and they explained that the smell of smoke on their clothes came from candles they lit during prayer).
Attendees who have donated over $2 million to Karl Rove’s Crossroads GPS are granted a special privilege that brings together their love of firearms and their contempt for the bloodsucking “takers” who want only to leech off the hard work and ingenuity of society’s “makers.” In a special 64-acre underground lair generously loaned by an anonymous Tampa-area donor, participants will have a unique opportunity to hunt, track, and kill an actual hippie. Gift bags provided courtesy of Lockheed Martin.
Kid Rock performs, to what may well be the largest assemblage of simultaneous awkward slightly-out-of-rhythm head-bobbing in history. In addition, Mitt Romney will be present.
